Are you the selfish friend?
On selflessness, transactional relationships, and extending grace
“Put yourself first” and its variants are arguably among the most used phrases, especially when it comes to family, friendships, or romantic relationships. We want people, including ourselves, to believe that they and their interests should always come first. And while that, in some contexts, isn’t a bad “value” to have, it’s often abused.
When we witness a preacher or writer talk about selfishness in relationships, our minds often go to that particular friend or partner who we think is selfish. Most of the time, we forget to look inwardly and assess ourselves.
Just before you start instinctively analyzing all the things you have done for that friend, let’s answer a few questions. Are you friends with her because of the things you can potentially get from her? Is it a friendship of utility — for fame, gifts, or other things? If at one point or the other, he fails to come through, do you feel so hurt that you refuse to listen to any explanation and start tweeting, “I’m cutting off fake friends in 2022”?
I have read and heard people talk about friendships as transactional relationships. And well, I can’t exactly say I agree or disagree. Yes, it is okay to expect some things from a friend. I mean, are you really my friend if you can’t spare me some of your time or offer comfort in the time of need? Of course not. However, saying things like, “She didn’t attend my birthday party, I won’t attend her graduation party.” In most cases I have seen, it’s often because the selfishness has eaten so deep that the person refuses to consider situations that may have led to the absence of such person or the don’t care.
If someone visibly does his/her best to help or come through for you and that one time they don’t, you take drastic decisions, you are a selfish friend. If your reflex course of action when someone is unable to do something for you is to immediately withdraw all that you do for them, you’re a selfish friend. It’s most likely you did most of those things because you wanted to keep them around so you could get them to do stuff for you.
Again, it’s normal to expect certain favours in friendships. Relationships always require the intentional efforts of both parties. However, what’s not normal is expecting these favours without understanding and at the expense of the other person. When you love genuinely, you’d get back, but not because of a sense of duty.
Are you always trying to make conversations revolve around you rather than listening to your friends? Do you keep score of the good things you do for them so you can rattle off the list when you want them to do something for you? Do you never apologize but often demand apologies? Do you think twice before referring your friends for opportunities because you don’t want them to be “better” than you? Are you unable to extend grace and assume that someone doesn’t love you because they’re unable to come through one time, despite having a track record of showing up for you?
You want people to go over and beyond for you, but your own has boundaries because “What’s in it for me?” Search your mind and question your motives. Do you send that friend money sometimes because you love her and genuinely want to help or because you want to be able to demand favours?
Going into relationships for transactional reasons is selfish, and most times, those relationships don’t end well. Transactional friendships are selfish and greedy; true friendships are selfless and unconditional. Love gives unconditionally, doesn’t do good things solely to get others in return, and doesn’t keep score.
Admitting that you are a selfish friend is a good place to start. You should apologize for the times your selfishness made you act drastically and then decide to intentionally do better. I generally believe that putting others above yourself is the right way to love — the Christ-like way to love. [Ps: Wisdom is profitable to direct.] I fail sometimes, but it almost always immediately pops in my mind that I have just been selfish. And, well, I hope to do and be better.
Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit [through factional motives, or strife], but with [an attitude of] humility [being neither arrogant nor self-righteous], regard others as more important than yourselves. Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. [Phillipians 2:3–4, AMP]
Friendships should be based on mutual respect, appreciation and alignment of certain values, selflessness from both parties, but not simply a transactional exchange. Friendships should be about outdoing each other in love — outloving each other. I guess you can now deduce what I think of the clause, “Friendships are transactional.”
Ps: I’m open to discussing this if you want to. You can drop your comments below or shoot me a dm on Twitter.
