Conflict Avoidance Does More Harm Than Good; Believe Me.
On conflicts, effective communication, and healthy relationships.
Why am I here again?
Something happened two weeks ago that’s had me whispering to myself at odd times, tapping my forehead, and upset since then. You know how someone misunderstands an action or situation and then tells one friend who tells another who ends up telling another? Well, yeah, that happened. Apparently, my friend misunderstood something I did and ‘spread the word’. You’d expect that hearing it eventually would prompt me to stand up for myself and clear the air, yea? No, I didn’t. I simply smiled, took it in, and let it slide. I even apologised — no explanation, nothing.
Okay, so what’s the problem?
It hurt me. It hurt me deeply, lol. Then it had me thinking about how I handled issues like this in the past with him and every other person. It turns out I actually never ‘handle’ anything. I just always let it slide. So, as per usual, I googled the situation and found an article on Conflict Avoidance by Healthline. It turns out I am chronically conflict-avoidant. It just sounds like big grammar; it simply means the fear of possible disagreements. If you’re conflict-avoidant, you’ll overlook things, refuse to talk about issues, and most times accept the blame just to let peace reign. Basically, letting yourself get stomped on (un)intentionally to please people — dealing with issues by simply not dealing with them. It makes sense, though, doesn’t it? Why escalate something when you can just allow it to pass?
If someone offends me, I’d just take it in, sleep or listen to music for a while and let it slide. Sometimes, I clean the house or scatter and rearrange my wardrobe. Sounds like ment, right? Most times, I try to intentionally forget what the person did, and it works. If the person does it repeatedly, I’d adjust to it or just shut the person out gradually. I recently resigned from a role because I was trying to avoid clashing with someone. Maybe I should have said something all the while before it got too much for me, but I didn’t. Remember my skinny girl rant piece? I could have told some of those people that their words hurt, right? But I didn’t. Instead, I expected them to read my face/body language or mind and adjust. And then, when I had had it to the brim, I did a rant piece. That’s not exactly fair, is it?
I’ve been a bad person, basically. Look at me thinking I was following the Lord’s word: Follow peace with all men. But Jesus wasn’t conflict-avoidant, was He? I mean, he expressed his displeasure during ‘the temple event’ and when his guys couldn’t stay awake while he prayed at Gethsemane. Right? Or am I getting something wrong? Plus, if I don’t tell someone when they do something that hurts me, I’m not exactly helping them, am I?
Thinking about it now, I guess it’s because while growing up, I dared not speak about how I felt. I’d either get shushed (hurt the more) and blackmailed sort of, plus the noise it’ll cause, totally not worth it.
Madam, go straight to the point.
Bold of you to assume I have a point, lol. I’m just ranting, really, plus I’m writing this piece impulsively. Maybe I do have a point, though.
I tell my friends not to hesitate to tell me when I wrong them, and they do. When it happens, I apologise multiple times, and we get past it. So why don’t I speak up when I’m the one on the receiving end of the offence/hurt? I’m invalidating my feelings. I simply say, “Let’s just move on and forget about it” if I speak at all. There’s this nonsense line I chant when someone offends me: I’m a big girl; I’ve got thick skin. I can take it; I can handle this. Motivational speaker kantan kantan, smh.
From now on, I will learn to speak up when I’m offended/hurt and talk things out. You know, be an actual big girl and communicate instead of ‘tightening the world to my chest”. Be like the ‘new’ me; know and remind yourself that your feelings are valid and worth speaking up about. Allow yourself to feel.
Your feelings are valid and worth speaking about; allow yourself to feel.
Because I can’t talk in the heat of the moment, I’m going to write a letter to the ‘offender’, which I won’t send to help organise my thoughts before confronting the issue. At least, until I’m able to speak up as e dey hot. And then, when I finally speak up, I’ll keep in mind that I am not attacking the person. There’s no ‘best in arguing’ award anywhere. Instead, the person and I will attack the problem. Olamide, deal? Yes, deal. (I heard/read that somewhere. I’m not so sure where right now.)
Also, I’m going to take it easy on myself. One step at a time. And if a conflict doesn’t get resolved after I speak up, I’m going to beat myself up. I’ll just do my best and leave the rest to God, literally.
I’m not sure how to end this, tbh. Still, here you go: If you’re like me, (chronically) conflict-avoidant, you’re neither helping yourself nor the other party, so you should start speaking up and communicating clearly and effectively. Promise me?
Till next time, I am sending you hugs.
Love from yours-in-ranting,
Pearl.❤️
