Hard Girl? What’s That?
On fear, failure, and uncertainty.
“Your sovereign hand will be my guide,
Where feet may fail, and fear surrounds me.
You’ve never failed, and You won’t start now.”
— Oceans by Hillsong
A rant, again? Maybe. I have hit somewhere below rock bottom in the last few weeks, probably the lowest I’ve been since 2016. It’s one thing or the other, every day. I feel a lot of things — unloved, insufficient, useless… it’s a mix of shenanigans, really. However, what I feel the most right now is fear. Fear of everything. Fear of failure (blame UNILAG), fear of dying (a story for another day), fear of loving the wrong person, fear of heartbreak, but most of all, fear of nothing and everything. I’m not making a lot of sense, yea? I know.
I don’t know how to explain this, but this fear has made me put up an extra wall, sort of. I mean, I am generally someone who keeps her issues to herself. I believe that I can get through anything, and I mean anything, regardless of how long it takes and without anyone’s help. I feel hypocritical sometimes. I mean, I am literally my friends’ 911. I make them feel and know that they can talk to me whenever they want to, and I’ll show up. I like to think that I have so much love within me and ooze it out to almost everyone. And that’s fantastic, yea? But I just never let people be there for me. I am terrified of letting people see the dirt inside, and even during prayers, I sort of just want God to read my mind (which he can, btw) instead of talking. I’m uninterested in almost everything — school, work, church, life, and everything. Am I depressed? Or am I just confused?
There’s the fear of being seen as a weakling, being unwanted, being talked about negatively (like omg, did you hear what happened to Pearl?), and being seen as a softie. Yes, I care what people think about me. I typically exude so much strength, and it seems like I have everything under control. I have recently realized that I do not have it under control, and I need to let people be there for me. I have a hard girl facade, not because I want to, but because I am scared.
As I get a day closer to 20 each day, I feel more like a failure than I did the day before. I was that kid who had her life all planned out; I have always known what I wanted. However, it feels like these goals just don’t want me to reach them, or maybe it’s the universe. I don’t know. I’m questioning everything that I have ever done and asking, “What if you actually end up as a failure and become nothing in life?” Omo, fear everywhere. It’s somewhat overwhelming, especially as the first half of the year wraps up. You know the feeling when you check your year goals and see that you are nowhere near 20% done.
So, here’s where I am going: this evening, as I spent some more time wallowing, I got reminded to celebrate my little wins and be grateful for everything, especially things I overlooked. I’m grateful for my sister, my favourite person. I’m grateful for my best person, Fela. More than anyone, he has been a rock and pillar of support even when I don’t exactly let him. I’m thankful for Olamilekan and Chef T. I’m grateful for the tests and presentation I aced recently. I’m grateful for She Code Africa — a platform to do what I have always wanted to, impact. I’m thankful for church, my friends, and my Twitter fam, lmao. I’m grateful because I had someone text me about my Skinny Girl piece every day this week to say they could relate and thank me for writing it. It reminds me that I am not alone, and even though I don’t have it all figured out yet, I can be a voice for others.
If you’re like me right now, overwhelmed by a mix of emotions, with the bad ones mostly overpowering the good, I’m just here to say that you’re not alone. Above the horizon of losses, discouragement, and not-so-good facts lined up right now, I hope that somehow, you hear this louder: you are loved, you’re important, you’re beautiful, you’re strong, and you’ve got this. It’s okay, like me, to break down, take a break, or spend some time reevaluating stuff. I have doubts recently about some decisions that I have made, and when this happens, I am reminded of why I started in the first place. I’m outgrowing things and people; I’m revamping or leaving stuff, and that’s okay.
I’m breaking down slowly; I can feel it somewhere. And here’s what I have decided: I am letting love in, letting people love up on me as I do on them, reminding myself that it’s okay to fail and it’s not the end of the world, making tough decisions, letting go of things that are harming me, moving on, and finally reminding myself that I do not have to be a hard girl. It’s okay to be a softie, lol.
“I love Your voice.
You have led me through the fire.
In the darkest night,
You are close like no other.”
— Goodness of God by Bethel Music
I feel unloved, but I hear God telling me, “I’ve never stopped loving you; expect love, love and more love.” I feel uncertain and like I am going to fail; He reminds me that “I know the plans I have for you, my love, thoughts of good and not of evil, to give you a hope and a future.” God does not abandon his own, and he won’t start with me. When all of these feelings come rushing at me, I know that I can find solace in God’s words and in relationships. I hope you do too.
This is just a rant, to be honest; I don’t know the point of it, lmao. Just hang in there, okay? You’re not alone. God’s got you, and you’d do just great.
Rooting for you, always.
Love from yours-in-ranting,
Pearl.❤️
