The Most Lively, Yet The Most Unwilling to Live.
Grieving friendships: When does it end?
If my English teacher reads this piece, he’d probably give me a long lecture on how the title and subtitle do not relate, but tsk. Someone asked me, “How are you?” today. It’s not a new thing, right? I mean, I get asked that question like twenty times a day, but today, I wanted to be sincere with her and myself, so I replied, saying I was (am) confused. I’m asking myself, “What are you doing with your life, this woman?” every day, and I have no answers. Yup, that’s how I have felt in the past couple of days. I’m even confused about my feelings; I don’t know if I’m okay or not. So if you ask me how I’m doing and I say I don’t know, don’t be angry.
While I want to blame it on the hellish school experience I’m having, I know it isn’t just that. It’s a mix of shenanigans, really — school, work, skills, family, health, and a bit of other stuff. Life is stressing my life (whatever that means), and most times, I just want it to end, honestly. I still have my vibe, mind you. I still beat deadlines and do my thing badass-ly. I still make my classmates laugh, lol. I still make noise in church; I still have nights dedicated to having baby-ish fun with my siblings. I still send funny tweets to my friends and drop love letters once in a while. You’d almost never know anything is up. I feel like I’m floating through life. I’m like a robot. I do not want to do this life thing again, but it looks like I’m stuck here for a while, lol. So you see, the most lively child on the block, yet the most unwilling to live. E be like that sometimes.
Do you know what hurts the most? Missing people and grieving friendships amidst all of this. I once had what you’d call a best friend, and he lived out the definition of a friend through and through. Long story short, cancer won. And while it’s been quite a while, it’s hit me more these past days. I want to call him and rant about the silliest things; then he’d say, “You sound like you’re avoiding talking about something; what’s the problem?” Then we’d talk about the serious things. One time, I dialled his number on new year before realizing he actually wasn’t there anymore, lol. I’ve written several letters to him and even pretended that he went somewhere and would return soon. When exactly is ‘soon’? It doesn’t seem like it’ll ever come. I miss him now more than ever. I used to find solace in coffee. Weird, right? I’d drink coffee without milk or sugar, and it’d make me feel better, but it no longer works. So not only does time not heal wounds, coffee doesn’t either. What do I do?
Outside death, I’ve lost people I considered friends or at least, we were on the path to becoming friends, and it’s painful. Some happened due to clashing values or a misunderstanding; some, with loss of communication for a while or distance; others, I can’t even tell. It hits me at random times. Do you mean I can’t call you today to tell you about the person that offered me a 5k salary job or how I fell on the staircase because I was dancing to AG Baby’s Jore? I admit that I slipped out of touch with some people unintentionally, but… I don’t know… Trying to snap back, and the spark isn’t there anymore. I don’t know what to say, and on some days, I’m overcome with shame because I couldn’t make it (us) work. It’s me o. We used to be buddies, kiloshele? People say, “If a relationship no longer serves you, cut it off” or something along that line, but lmaaaoooo, do am if e easy.
For some, it’s because they’ve changed and are no longer the people I used to know; hence, the breakup. You’d think that’d make it easier to accept and move on, but it doesn’t. And recently, it seems like everybody is relocating. I’m happy and deeply grateful that it’s happening, but while I want to hope that we can still have strong bonds, I’m terrified at the thought that we may not. And then those who aren’t relocating and are still my friends, I’m scared that we’d fall out soon. All of this stuff is adding to my confusion.
I read somewhere that, “We do not lose friends; we just learn who our real ones are.” Calm down before you start shouting “deep, deep.” I disagree with it. Yes, I’m pained that we’re no longer friends, but I do not regret the time that we had. And for the period that we were friends, they were good to me, so I’m going to hold the memories so dear. Maybe even forever. I even wrote some of them goodbye letters which I obviously won’t send.
“Growing apart doesn’t change the fact that for a long time, we grew side by side; our roots will always be tangled. I’m glad for that.”
— Ally Condie
So I’m not going to invalidate my feelings. I’m going to salvage the relationships I can and try to do better in the ones to come. I hope to be a good friend to people I currently have and those I will. I hope they’re good friends too. Hopefully, someday, it all works out. I want to shrug it off and say, “People will always come and go”, but I’m grieving weirdly, and I can’t just shrug it off. I’m in pain, lol. (sighs dramatically)
PS: We’ve come to the end of today’s rant, lol. If you thought this piece would tell you how to get over a friendship breakup, I’m sorry I disappointed you. I just wanted to rant. Besides, how do you teach what you don’t know?
Disclaimer: I’m not suicidal, lol; don’t call MANI on me.
